Dan.

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What would you do if a half-naked skinny white guy named Dan knocked on your door at 5:30 AM when it was 8 degrees outside and the ground was covered by several inches of snow?

Well, he was only wearing a pair of boxers, and maybe some socks. It was 8 degrees outside, but according to the wind-chill, it’s supposed to feel more like -3 degrees.

After letting my two Rottweiler-Shepherd’s say hello through the window of the door, I cracked the door open just enough to say “Dude, what’s going on??” The whole time letting Eko and Cheyenne poke their noses through the crack in the door.

At this point, I realized that this guy was starting to take on a nice shade of blue, and probably was shaking from a combination of the early stages of hypothermia and fear that he was going to be devoured by a couple of unhappy sleep deprived 90 pound dogs.

After realizing that maybe he knocked on the wrong door at 5:30 in the morning, he asked “ummm, can I borrow your phone? I need to call a friend.”

“What happened??” I asked.

“I got jumped down the street. Do you have a shirt I can borrow?”

“What’s your name?”

After a bit of a pause, he answered “Dan.”

So, I told “Dan” to hang on a second.

Of course, I already had the phone in hand. As I was dialing 911, I rushed to the closet and grabbed a towel that he could wrap around himself.

I made sure the door was closed and locked, and the dogs were keeping him company at the window.

I would love to hear the recording of my emergency call, because I think it sounded something like this:

First, there would be a lot of barking in the background of the call.

“This is the operator, where is the emergency?”

“Um, hi, yeah, um, it’s at (enter my home address here). umm, there’s a skinny-white guy standing on my porch wearing nothing but a pair of boxer shorts. He’s asking to use my phone to call a friend. I’m not giving him my phone, and I’m definitely not leaving some half naked guy in my house. Can you send someone over here right away to help me out.”

“What’s his name?”

“Umm, he says it’s Dan.”

“Is he wearing any shoes??”

“I don’t know! It’s dark outside!”

I would have preferred the operator say something like “Help is on the WAY!” but no, I get “Is he wearing shoes?” WTF??

So, by now I’m back at the door giving “Dan” a towel that really isn’t going to do him a damn bit of good. It’s 8 degrees outside, and I’ve just handed him a 3 X 4 foot towel that seems a bit thin. It always seemed plenty big when I would hop out of the shower to dry off, but somehow it seemed a little lacking when it was being used to cover up a nearly 6 foot tall half-naked skinny guy who was slowly freezing to death.

Sucks to be him.

He looked at me and said “thanks” and then asked if he could use the phone again, which he can clearly see that I am talking on.

I told him “no worries, I am getting you some help.”

He then asked me “Do you know Dan Tyler?”

“Is your name Dan Tyler?” I asked back. I think I got a nod to this one, so I told the guy on the emergency line.

Then he asked “Can I come in?” obviously his sanity is starting to slip at this point, because my dogs are still trying to say hello with all of the barking and jumping and trying to get through the crack of the door to “greet him.”

I give him a simple “umm, I don’t think that’s a good idea, my dogs wouldn’t like it much.”

He gave me what looked like a disappointed nod. Obviously being half naked wearing nothing but boxers and crappy little towel in what feels like -3 degrees outside will start to conquer your fear of big dogs.

At some point, he actually realized that I was talking to someone on the phone. “Who are you talking to?”

“I’m just getting you some help.” I told him.

I think there was a little bit more idle chit chat at this point while I was praying for the police to get here. I’m pretty sure he asked me for a shirt again too. It was starting to worry me that he was willing to brave the dogs to get out of the cold.

Luckily within another minute or so, I saw a squad car roll by the house. Then I noticed several people on the street heading our way, including a K9 patrol. I closed the door again, and ran back and locked the dogs in the hallway. I was back to the door in under 30 seconds and the guy was gone. I peered through the window and could see him squatting down on the porch hunched into a ball trying to warm up, and maybe hide. I’m not sure. Right then the police threw a spotlight on him and asked him to step down from the porch, hands on their weapons, and K9 ready to jump. He slowly walked down the steps and was put into the back of a squad car.

Then I heard the emergency operator mumble something about them looking for someone and if they had him in hand, he would hang up now. Which was fine, since at this point I had forgotten I was even on the phone. Then I heard one of the officers say something outside about how he must have been hiding on my porch.

Little did I know, but there was a man-hunt for a half-naked skinny white guy going on in my neighborhood, and I got to be a part of it. That explains how 4 squad cars and 2 ominous looking black SUV’s appeared in front of my house in under 5 minutes.

I think I deserve some kind of award. Maybe a little trophy of a frozen white guy with ice-cycles hanging off his…anyway, what a great way to wake up.

Oh yeah, the dude stole my towel too.

2008 is going to be an strange year.

385 thoughts on “Dan.”

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