Dan.

Posted on by

What would you do if a half-naked skinny white guy named Dan knocked on your door at 5:30 AM when it was 8 degrees outside and the ground was covered by several inches of snow?

Well, he was only wearing a pair of boxers, and maybe some socks. It was 8 degrees outside, but according to the wind-chill, it’s supposed to feel more like -3 degrees.

After letting my two Rottweiler-Shepherd’s say hello through the window of the door, I cracked the door open just enough to say “Dude, what’s going on??” The whole time letting Eko and Cheyenne poke their noses through the crack in the door.

At this point, I realized that this guy was starting to take on a nice shade of blue, and probably was shaking from a combination of the early stages of hypothermia and fear that he was going to be devoured by a couple of unhappy sleep deprived 90 pound dogs.

After realizing that maybe he knocked on the wrong door at 5:30 in the morning, he asked “ummm, can I borrow your phone? I need to call a friend.”

“What happened??” I asked.

“I got jumped down the street. Do you have a shirt I can borrow?”

“What’s your name?”

After a bit of a pause, he answered “Dan.”

So, I told “Dan” to hang on a second.

Of course, I already had the phone in hand. As I was dialing 911, I rushed to the closet and grabbed a towel that he could wrap around himself.

I made sure the door was closed and locked, and the dogs were keeping him company at the window.

I would love to hear the recording of my emergency call, because I think it sounded something like this:

First, there would be a lot of barking in the background of the call.

“This is the operator, where is the emergency?”

“Um, hi, yeah, um, it’s at (enter my home address here). umm, there’s a skinny-white guy standing on my porch wearing nothing but a pair of boxer shorts. He’s asking to use my phone to call a friend. I’m not giving him my phone, and I’m definitely not leaving some half naked guy in my house. Can you send someone over here right away to help me out.”

“What’s his name?”

“Umm, he says it’s Dan.”

“Is he wearing any shoes??”

“I don’t know! It’s dark outside!”

I would have preferred the operator say something like “Help is on the WAY!” but no, I get “Is he wearing shoes?” WTF??

So, by now I’m back at the door giving “Dan” a towel that really isn’t going to do him a damn bit of good. It’s 8 degrees outside, and I’ve just handed him a 3 X 4 foot towel that seems a bit thin. It always seemed plenty big when I would hop out of the shower to dry off, but somehow it seemed a little lacking when it was being used to cover up a nearly 6 foot tall half-naked skinny guy who was slowly freezing to death.

Sucks to be him.

He looked at me and said “thanks” and then asked if he could use the phone again, which he can clearly see that I am talking on.

I told him “no worries, I am getting you some help.”

He then asked me “Do you know Dan Tyler?”

“Is your name Dan Tyler?” I asked back. I think I got a nod to this one, so I told the guy on the emergency line.

Then he asked “Can I come in?” obviously his sanity is starting to slip at this point, because my dogs are still trying to say hello with all of the barking and jumping and trying to get through the crack of the door to “greet him.”

I give him a simple “umm, I don’t think that’s a good idea, my dogs wouldn’t like it much.”

He gave me what looked like a disappointed nod. Obviously being half naked wearing nothing but boxers and crappy little towel in what feels like -3 degrees outside will start to conquer your fear of big dogs.

At some point, he actually realized that I was talking to someone on the phone. “Who are you talking to?”

“I’m just getting you some help.” I told him.

I think there was a little bit more idle chit chat at this point while I was praying for the police to get here. I’m pretty sure he asked me for a shirt again too. It was starting to worry me that he was willing to brave the dogs to get out of the cold.

Luckily within another minute or so, I saw a squad car roll by the house. Then I noticed several people on the street heading our way, including a K9 patrol. I closed the door again, and ran back and locked the dogs in the hallway. I was back to the door in under 30 seconds and the guy was gone. I peered through the window and could see him squatting down on the porch hunched into a ball trying to warm up, and maybe hide. I’m not sure. Right then the police threw a spotlight on him and asked him to step down from the porch, hands on their weapons, and K9 ready to jump. He slowly walked down the steps and was put into the back of a squad car.

Then I heard the emergency operator mumble something about them looking for someone and if they had him in hand, he would hang up now. Which was fine, since at this point I had forgotten I was even on the phone. Then I heard one of the officers say something outside about how he must have been hiding on my porch.

Little did I know, but there was a man-hunt for a half-naked skinny white guy going on in my neighborhood, and I got to be a part of it. That explains how 4 squad cars and 2 ominous looking black SUV’s appeared in front of my house in under 5 minutes.

I think I deserve some kind of award. Maybe a little trophy of a frozen white guy with ice-cycles hanging off his…anyway, what a great way to wake up.

Oh yeah, the dude stole my towel too.

2008 is going to be an strange year.

385 thoughts on “Dan.”

  2. First of all Welcome back to your Blog… it missed you. And second of all HOLY CRAP!! It’s never boring around you. Thank God you answered the door instead of Lori. She would have invited him in and gave him breakfast. Be sure to give the dogs a table to eat as a treat for helping you. I would love to hear more about what happened with that guy

  3. Halloween Guy! I found you! I was thinking of a funny Halloween Guy story the other night and decided to check to see what you are up to. A quick Google search later and here you are 😉

    I am glad to see you still like Chocolate milk in the middle of the night and lots of pizza 😉

    From an old friend,
    Mitch

  4. Yes, Virginia, there IS a MonkeyJack. And he’s got a skinny, white fugitive on his front porch.

    Now, keep quite. We don’t want to startle him. Maybe he won’t see his shadow this year and we’ll have blogging for another six weeks?

  5. His real name was Ford Prefect, and he was just borrowing the towel.

    Dude… I know it makes for great blog content, but you should seriously consider moving to a neighborhood that isn’t mentioned in the newspaper so much.

    And answering the door at 5am for a skinny nekkid caucasion… well, it was a bad move, Ripley, it was a bad move…

  7. You should go visit Dan in prison. Be like: “I hear you’ve been flicking other inmates with MY TOWEL!!!” Then ask him if he knows (your name here).

  8. I never told anybody about the guy named Tony who visited us last summer. He also asked to use the phone and wanted to come in too. I sent him packing.

    He kept telling me that he needed to call a friend in Evansville. He was stranded in Fort Wayne and needed his Evansville friend to come pick him up.

    About 30 mins after he left the police showed up looking for him.

    I pointed down the street and said “He went that-a-way.”

  9. (http://www.news-sentinel.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080107/NEWS/801070318)

    A male patient who was supposed to be admitted to Parkview Behavioral Health on Thursday ran by a security guard and into the street wearing only his socks and boxers.

    According to a Fort Wayne Police Department report, the patient was captured by police after he was spotted knocking on a door in the 2300 block of Lynn Avenue.

    Before his escape, hospital staff was awaiting clearance from the patient’s parents to admit him. The patient became agitated, began pacing and doing push-ups, according to the report. He then ripped off his gown and ran for the door. The security guard tried to stop him, but he got out the emergency room door.

  12. Can I just say what a relief to seek out somebody who really knows what theyre speaking about on the internet. You undoubtedly know methods to carry a problem to light and make it important. Extra folks have to learn this and understand this aspect of the story. I cant believe youre not more fashionable because you positively have the gift.

  13. Nice post. I learn one thing more difficult on different blogs everyday. It is going to always be stimulating to read content material from different writers and follow a little bit one thing from their store. I抎 favor to use some with the content material on my weblog whether or not you don抰 mind. Natually I抣l give you a hyperlink on your net blog. Thanks for sharing.

  14. There are definitely lots of particulars like that to take into consideration. That is a nice level to deliver up. I offer the thoughts above as basic inspiration but clearly there are questions like the one you convey up the place crucial thing will likely be working in sincere good faith. I don?t know if finest practices have emerged around issues like that, however I am certain that your job is clearly identified as a fair game. Both boys and girls really feel the impression of just a moment抯 pleasure, for the remainder of their lives.

  15. Oh my goodness! an incredible article dude. Thank you However I’m experiencing challenge with ur rss . Don抰 know why Unable to subscribe to it. Is there anybody getting an identical rss drawback? Anybody who knows kindly respond. Thnkx

  16. When I originally commented I clicked the -Notify me when new comments are added- checkbox and now each time a remark is added I get 4 emails with the identical comment. Is there any manner you possibly can remove me from that service? Thanks!

  19. Spot on with this write-up, I really suppose this web site wants way more consideration. I抣l probably be again to read rather more, thanks for that info.

  20. Nice post. I be taught one thing more challenging on completely different blogs everyday. It will at all times be stimulating to read content from other writers and follow a bit one thing from their store. I抎 choose to use some with the content on my weblog whether you don抰 mind. Natually I抣l offer you a link in your net blog. Thanks for sharing.

  21. There are certainly a lot of details like that to take into consideration. That could be a nice point to carry up. I supply the ideas above as basic inspiration but clearly there are questions just like the one you deliver up the place an important thing might be working in sincere good faith. I don?t know if finest practices have emerged around things like that, but I’m certain that your job is clearly recognized as a fair game. Each girls and boys feel the affect of just a second抯 pleasure, for the remainder of their lives.

  22. After research a couple of of the blog posts in your web site now, and I actually like your means of blogging. I bookmarked it to my bookmark website record and will likely be checking again soon. Pls try my site as well and let me know what you think.

  35. An attention-grabbing dialogue is price comment. I feel that you must write more on this matter, it won’t be a taboo topic however usually people are not enough to talk on such topics. To the next. Cheers

  38. Prejudicial all things can arise with pay off honest cialis online decrease of the internet, the insides is necrotizing with discontinuation of the habitat bring into the world demonstrated acutely to the ground in making the urine gram spot online. buy thesis paper Hfxgog wwzytk

  39. You made some respectable points there. I regarded on the internet for the problem and found most people will associate with along with your website.

  47. There are actually loads of details like that to take into consideration. That may be a nice point to deliver up. I provide the thoughts above as normal inspiration however clearly there are questions like the one you bring up where an important thing might be working in trustworthy good faith. I don?t know if finest practices have emerged round issues like that, but I’m sure that your job is clearly recognized as a good game. Each girls and boys really feel the impression of only a second抯 pleasure, for the rest of their lives.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.